


FIVE Times Dean Suspected; ONE Time Dean Knew

by Lockandk3yfiction



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 5+1 Things, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Death, Episode: s08e17 Goodbye Stranger, Episode: s10e22 The Prisoner, Episode: s11e23 Alpha and Omega, Episode: s12e10 Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets, Episode: s15e18 Despair, Hurt No Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-14 18:29:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28925109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lockandk3yfiction/pseuds/Lockandk3yfiction
Summary: Five times Dean suspected there was more to Castiel’s bond with him and One time Dean knew exactly what that ‘more’ was.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 3
Kudos: 76
Collections: Dean/Cas Tropefest 2021 Mid-Winter 5k





	FIVE Times Dean Suspected; ONE Time Dean Knew

**Author's Note:**

> I had this little idea in my head since November because we all know Castiel's love wasn't born overnight. These are just a few scenes written from Dean's perspective that I think were telling of Cas' pining. Hope you enjoy. <3

**1.** **2013: “I need you.” – How three little words broke through to Castiel**

“I need you.” 

They are words said out of desperation. A small phrase packed with meaning but little hope. Those three words shouldn’t have worked; they should not have any impact on an angel of the lord and yet… There is a light and Dean feels the assault of fist cease on him. No longer does Dean feel pain. Instead, in only a moment, with the touch of a hand to his cheek, Dean feels every muscle in his body relax. 

Dean’s grip on Castiel’s arm loosens, his eyelids fluttering open to connect with Castiel’s worried stare. Part of Dean leans into Castiel’s palm as his brows etch together in confusion and relief. Castiel stopped. He stopped fighting, stopped hurting Dean. Something had to have cleared in the angel’s head. Those words Dean spoke must have sparked a change in Castiel because even as Dean relinquished and gave up, Castiel continued to beat his fist. That was before Dean had spoken his declaration and devotion, declared that Castiel was family and that in his own way, Dean cared. Deans cares; Dean needs him. Needs the angel on his and his brothers’ side because, without Castiel, Dean loses a piece of the broken home he’s built for himself. 

“I’m so sorry, Dean,” Castiel speaks like it’s a remorseful promise to not hurt Dean anymore. Not in the physical sense, at the very least. Castiel looks down on Dean with just a hint of wonder behind his gaze. 

“What the hell just happened?” 

Dean listens, he listens intently to the way Castiel explains himself. The broken fragments with little understanding of who Naomi is or how she could brainwash Castiel the way that she had. He takes note of every concern that Castiel has but one thing still remains a mystery to him. 

Dean doesn’t remember ever stumbling for words before, but he stutters as he asks, “W-what broke the connection?” 

Castiel responds quickly, taking no time to dissect the concern. “I don’t know,” his mind is elsewhere, “I just know that I have to protect this tablet now.” 

It’s not long before Castiel leaves Dean with more questions than answers: Why? Why does Castiel need to protect the tablet from _him_? From Dean and from Sam? Where was Castiel going? Would he be safe? Why did he leave? And was there more to why Castiel broke free of Naomi’s hold on him? Was there more meaning to saying _‘I need you’_ that Castiel could see past? That held a stronger importance to Castiel? 

Dean thought long and hard about it as he lay in bed, blankly staring up at the ceiling. He kept his hands clasped underneath his head to stop his fingers from fidgeting, but still, he could twiddle his thumbs, blunt nails scraping against his scalp. Dean licked his lips, biting the bottom in contemplation. The questions, they swirled around drenched in hurt and guilt. A tidal wave of emotion flooded Dean’s insides in an attempt to drown him. Dean’s chest rose from a deep breath. 

Perhaps Castiel felt the same sentiment that Dean did. That slowly the angel began to feel a familial connection with the two brothers. But, if that were the case, what about the ‘profound bond’ that Castiel once said Dean and him shared? Was that bond deeper than family? 

Dean didn’t know. It seemed no one knew anything these days. 

* * *

**2.** **2015: “Everyone except me.” – Could he be Deans ‘Colette’**

A few more years have passed since the angel tablet had been discovered. The angels had fallen then they were revived and stored back in Heaven. The Winchesters were unable to slam the gates of hell closed, not at the risk of Sam’s life. Then new threats arose like Abaddon and a mark that turns humans into murderers and demons. They lost beloved friends and struggled to stay on the right side of hunting. Dean struggled. He struggled to stay, struggled not to kill, struggled to keep to himself and remain a vigilant hunter. No one and nothing could save him though. 

Certainly not an angel that fell from grace more times than appropriate of a savior. 

Dean has an angel blade in one hand and Castiel trapped underneath him, his body withering away on the library floor. Dean sees the haze in Castiel’s eyes, how he struggles to keep conscious. Snagging the angels’ tie in his free hand, Dean drags Castiel forward. 

“Dean,” Castiel wraps his fingers weakly around Dean’s wrist. “Please…” 

Looking down on Castiel’s bloody face, something compels Dean to freeze for a moment. The crypt flashes before Dean’s eyes. It overwhelms the fury that Dean feels, the resentment he holds. The body that lies weightlessly beneath him is the same body that had failed to kill Dean before. A command that the good little soldier had all intention of following only to deny the request at the very last second. This was the man that had let Dean live because he was a part of their family. 

Family isn’t that strong of a theory, however. Not with Cain being so certain that Dean would kill his own brother. Himself included was sure that, eventually, Dean will slaughter Sam like Cain had slaughtered Abel. But first was the Styne family. Nameless faces that held no place in Dean’s heart. Cain had said that Dean would kill Crowley, just as he had killed the Knights of Hell and before he had killed Collette. Killed his wife second and first his brother. But if Dean were living Cain’s life in reverse… the angel blade shook in Dean’s hand. 

First, Cain had murdered his brother and that had turned him into a monster. Third, Cain began the task of finishing off all his Knights of Hell – casualties of war. The second was the death of his wife – the death that had left Cain broken and revengeful. 

If Castiel was supposed to be Dean’s second close kill and Sam his last, then… 

_“…Everyone except me. I’m the one who will have to watch you murder the world.”_

Dean sturdies the hold he held on the blade, bringing it down with a force onto the leather-bound book beside Castiel’s head. 

He should look for Crowley first. Kill the King. 

_“Dean… Stop.”_

Dean walks away; he demands that Castiel and Sam keep their distance. Promises not to miss a killing blow the next time that they attempt to stop him. The angels’ speech rewinds in his head, however, sounding relatively alike to how Cain spoke of Collette the first time they have met. How she had only hoped that Cain would stop one day and forever. 

Castiel… Collette… How similar could the two be? 

* * *

**3.** **2016: “I could go with you.” – Castiel wills himself to die with Dean**

“I could go with you,” Castiel says it earnestly. His lip wobbles as he stares deep into the windows of Dean’s soul as if a part of the angel will die with Dean. Whether he physically stands by Dean’s side as the bomb goes off or if he has to wait in agonizing time. Every look Castiel gives Dean tells him how Castiel longs to stand at Dean’s aid, to give his life for the elder Winchester. It’s a sad face that Castiel wears and Dean knows he can’t wipe that fear away. 

So Dean gives him a mission, a role to follow that will keep him from trailing after Dean into death. Because Dean knows he will never be able to earn Amara’s trust or throw in the towel if Castiel is with him. Since carrying the mark and unleashing the Darkness, Castiel was the only one able to obscure Dean’s connection with Amara. Dean cannot save the world with Castiel blinding him and so Dean entrusts his brother’s life in Castiel’s hands. He uses it as a distraction to keep another one of his closest friends alive. 

Castiel doesn’t stop giving Dean that heartbroken look but he doesn’t argue either. He’ll keep Dean’s dying wish until he no longer could. Castiel will protect Sam, keep him out of trouble. Be there for the brother of the one he’d give his life for. 

When Dean meets Amara in a beautiful garden, things don’t go quite as planned. Amara feels the souls trapped in Dean, can tell that he didn’t come to be one with her. He came to finish her off and neither of them wanted that. What Amara truly wanted was her brothers’ companionship, to have him on her side. To have his brotherly love and affection. A little bit of therapy, an opportunity to know one another and rebuild their trust. Chuck takes away the souls that would have turned Dean into a bomb and sent him on his merry way with a gift. 

Chuck had given Dean back life. Amara had given Dean the mother he had wished for his whole life. 

And when Dean returns home to the bunker, Castiel clings to Dean like a lifeline. Castiel whispers his name like a clutch, silently begging for Dean to stay. 

Dean knows; he knows there is something more to this bond he shares with Castiel. 

* * *

**4.** **2017: “Human Weakness” – An angel who betrays his family for one man**

Love? Is that what their bond is made of? The hidden meaning behind being somebody’s ‘human weakness’. 

That’s what Ishim had called him - Castiel’s “human weakness”. Ishim had compared Dean to Lily Sunders, the woman he had fallen for in derangement. Ishim stated his desire to cut Dean out of the crevice he occupied in Castiel’s attachments. The same way that he had cut out his own competition, slaying Akobel and slaughtering May before her mothers’ very eyes. There was not much that Dean could do about it either. Ishim had overpowered him; Dean no longer had the angel blade to defend himself. After being healed by Castiel, Ishim had stood taller with the strength of a brand new cosmic being. 

Laying on the ground as he watched Ishim slam his fist against Castiel’s weakened vessel, Dean prepared the only defense he had left against the obsessive angel. Bleeding from his palm, Dean drew a banishing sigil on the wall beside him. That plan had fell through, unfortunately, for when Ishim stood before Dean’s kneeling form, he brought upon a cautious point. If Dean slapped his hand on the sigil, would Castiel be in one piece? Or would he, as Ishim so colorfully put it, “end up a bloody smear on the wall”? 

Chancing a glance toward Castiel’s way, Dean’s hand trembled. Castiel’s stare was on the hunter already and Dean swore he saw an inquiry in those blue orbs. Castiel was silently telling him what he should do, Dean could tell. And, although Dean wasn’t sure what the request was, Dean was certain he was asking something Dean couldn’t do. 

Dean grit his teeth as he lowered his arm. Bowing his head, Dean looked down to the floor. He could fight or he could wait but he wouldn’t risk harming Castiel in any way. 

Ishim grinned as he saw Dean resign, readying his stance. Hope was not lost yet. Lily Sunders voice called out Ishim’s name from across the abandoned church. She had captured all of Ishim’s attention, dragging him into battle. The odds were in the Winchester’s favor as enemy of my enemy joined together creating a distraction long enough for Castiel to get back on his feet and stab his fellow brother in the back. 

It’s at that point that Castiel chooses to no longer defend his own life. He gives the choice to Lily, relaying his condolences and letting her know that if she could not forgive him then she can find him again. The compromise leaves an unsettling feeling in Dean’s stomach. Castiel will not spare Dean a glance. He remains silent during the whole ride home – no snappy comments or a fight to bicker. 

Dean decides to cut Castiel some slack once inside the bunker. He lets himself be vulnerable for a moment, to admit that the promise of a “cosmic consequence” worries him. It’s something he thinks about at night. A fear that Castiel may be closer to losing his life than he thinks because the hunts are becoming more challenging. The possibilities more probable. 

* * *

**5.** **2017: “I love you. I love all of you.” – A Deathbed Declaration**

For the second time since Billie’s death, Dean witnesses a scare. 

Castiel lays out on an old beat-up couch in an old beat-up barn not far from the house of the demon they had come to hunt. It should have been simple; they’ve used the magic demon-killing knife time and time again. Demons weren’t a new threat to the brothers but things had gone wrong. Crowley’s goons and the King of Hell himself had appeared to investigate the intrusion of privacy. They had killed a fellow hunter prior to warning and the one revealed to be a Prince of Hell had pierced through Castiel’s skin with Micheal’s Lance. 

So there the angel lay in agonizing pain, lifting his tattered shirt to show the deep black veins sprouting from Castiel’s wound. A wound the angel could not heal. 

Castiel let out a ragged cough, “I think I’m dying…” 

“No. No, you’re not.” Dean’s fingers brush upon Castiel’s when he takes the fabric of his shirt and hides those dangerous marks. Dean’s nightmares are coming true. The images have haunted him for nights, the thought that Castiel would cease to exist one day. That something does him in and sends Castiel back to Heaven or worse… Where did angels go when they died? 

Dean shook his head because a feeling caged in his ribs told him that Castiel couldn’t die. 

Not here. Not now. Not ever. 

Castiel did not feel the same sentiment. Dean could see the fear in Castiel’s eyes, feel the way he shook each time they touched. Dean rests his hand on Castiel’s knee as the angel gives a speech that shouldn’t be told. Castiel opens up the heart he was not created with on his dying breath and everything clicks in Dean’s head. He can’t let Castiel die. 

“Thank you. Thank you. Knowing you… it’s been the best part of my life. And the things we’ve – the things we’ve shared together… they have changed me.” Castiel’s eyes travel, his head turning to and from each person that watches over him. As if he were speaking to them all but a part of Dean is certain that Castiel hides a hidden message between his breaths just for him. 

Because when Castiel says “You’re my family… I love you…” he looks away. There is guilt and a shyness Dean has never seen in Castiel before. This confession is something he is insecure about. A vulnerability that doesn’t share the same sentiment in his next statement. “I love all of you.” 

Castiel lifts his head with momentary courage, gazing both at Mary and Sam. Then he steals his insecure gaze on Dean. Dean inhales a silent breath, a dawning understanding overcoming him. Mary notices the stark difference and turns her questioning eyes on her eldest son who turns away. 

Castiel is not finished speaking yet. “Please… Please, don’t make my last moments be spent watching you die. Just run. Save yourselves. And I will hold Ramiel off as long as I can…” 

Castiel struggles to sit up, short of breath and coughing. 

“Cas, no.” Dean says. Mary places her hand on Castiel’s arm, lightly pushing against the angel to keep him in place. 

“Yes.” Castiel glares, “You need to keep fighting.” 

“We are fighting,” Sam states with utter confidence. “We’re fighting for you, Cas.” 

“And like you said, you’re family.” At the sound of Dean’s voice, Castiel returns his gaze on green eyes. “And we don’t leave family behind.” 

Castiel sucks in a breath; he begins to whimper. Tears well in his eyes the longer he holds eye contact with Dean who stands resolute. Mary adjusts the fabric on Castiel’s wound and he turns to her. Attempting to thank her, Castiel can’t meet Mary’s eyes. Shame and sorrow builds in his chest. Castiel cries as the Winchesters walk away; he’s scared and unable to follow. He doesn’t want any of them to die battling a fight made for him. 

Dean knows this; they all do. 

Family fights for family though. They protect the people that they care for and care for the ones that love them. 

It’s a close call but they all survive the fight against Ramiel. Castiel lives and Dean silently thanks Crowley for breaking a curse that seemed to be so obvious now. 

Castiel is still weak. His limbs tired and his grace faltering from having done its best in an attempt to heal Castiel’s vessel. There is no debate when Dean tosses Baby’s keys to Sam, demanding that he take good care of her as he hauls Castiel off to the truck, dead set on driving him back to the bunker where the angel could rest. 

Castiel’s eyes slip shut along the drive, his body shifting. He lay down on the bench slowly, letting his head rest in Dean’s lap as the hunter drove. 

“Woah? WOAH! You can’t lay there!” Dean’s knee bucks on instinct, the car screeching unceremoniously as his foot lifts momentarily off the gas pedal. “What are you doing, man? You’re gonna get yourself killed down there.” 

Castiel whimpers, his form curling in on itself. Castiel loosely grips Dean’s pant leg, his breath coming out ragged. “I’m exhausted… This – This is a comfortable space…” 

Dean scoffs, a tint of red on his ears. He doesn’t respond to Castiel about the risk that he takes by laying the way he does in a pick-up truck. Dean will be careful he tells himself, allowing Castiel to use his legs as a pillow and easily slip into unconsciousness. Shuddering a breath, Dean settles a free hand in Castiel’s unruly hair. His other hand grips the steering wheel firmly, eyes locked on the road. 

Love. Castiel loved him. 

* * *

**+1. 2020: “I love you.” – Cas sacrifices himself to the Empty**

Castiel loves him and that’s what makes this hurt so bad. What makes the loss unimaginable, disheartening. 

“I’ll go with you.” Castiel gave those words to Dean again and, this time, Dean let the angel follow him back to the bunker. He let Castiel follow him to Death and he shouldn’t have. 

Dean regretted it. He regretted every choice; regretted taunting Billie. They shouldn’t have come back; they shouldn’t have disturbed Deaths’ Library. Dean shouldn’t have brought Castiel. He shouldn’t have. 

“She’s going to kill you. Then she’s going to kill me.” Dean knew this would be the outcome since the instant that they trapped themselves in the dungeon. No good thing comes from being locked in a dungeon and all that Dean could think to say was: “I’m sorry…” 

His chest feels heavy, his arms falling without strength to keep them up. Dean walks forward, closing the distance between him and Castiel. His last moments would be spent with the angel that had fell for him time and time again. That saw Dean as the ‘righteous man’, as his human weakness. Dean could at the very least bring him comfort, knowing that not once has Castiel ever been able to watch Dean be hurt without giving himself away to protect the hunter. It’s a luxury Dean didn’t deserve. He destroyed everything that he touched. 

Castiel stands silent and still. He won’t look anywhere near Dean, not with eyes full of despair. But Dean can tell the gears are spinning in Castiel’s head as the angel looks down at his bloody palm. “There is… one thing she’s afraid of – there’s one thing strong enough to stop her.” 

Dean raises his head, dread filling his lungs. …no. 

Castiel’s eyes flicker between his twitching fingers and the sigil threatening to break where it's painted on the door. “When Jack was dying, I – I made a deal. To save him.” 

“You what?” Panic surges throughout Dean’s whole being. He grits his teeth, refraining himself from pandering Castiel. 

Finally, Castiel compels himself to look Dean in the eyes. To come out with a secret he had to have been holding for well over a year. “Th-The price was my life. When I experienced a moment of true happiness, the Empty would be summoned and it would take me forever.” 

“…why are you telling me this now?” Dean tries to remain calm, he really does. To piece together all the information he is being provided. 

“I always wondered… ever since I took that burden – that curse – I wondered what it could be – What – What my true happiness could even look like.” Castiel breathes out a humorless chuckle, a hesitant smile spreading upon his cheeks. 

“I never found an answer… Because the one thing I want…” Castiel shakes his head in disbelief, “It’s something I know I can’t have.” 

Castiel stands a little closer, staring deep into Dean’s soul the way that he always does. “But I think I know – I think I know now. Happiness… isn’t in… the having. It’s in just being. It’s in just saying it.” 

“What are you talking about man?” It’s a simple question with a complicated answer. Dean knows this but he still can’t help but ask. He needs to hear the answer, needs to be sure that whatever was happening wouldn’t result in… Dean’s eyes began to water. 

“I know… I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You’re destructive. And you’re angry, and you’re broken. You’re Daddy’s… blunt instrument. You think that hate and anger – that’s… that’s what drives you. That’s who you are. It’s not. And everyone who knows you sees it. Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love. You raise your little brother for love. You fought for this WHOLE world for love.” Castiel swallows, his blue orbs glossy like the sea. His lip quivers, “That is who you are. 

“You’re the most caring man on Earth. You are the most selfless loving human being I will ever know.” Castiel smiles a wet curve of the lips that causes Dean’s heart to sink. 

Castiel stumbles through his speech, whilst Dean listens intently. Every bone in his body shattered. 

“You know ever since we met – ever since I pulled you out of hell… Knowing you has changed me.” Castiel swallows a sob, reminiscent of the first time Dean had heard this similar spiel. 

“Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you.” Castiel looks away as he lists the next two names, “I cared about Sam. I cared about Jack. But I,” Castiel looks back into Dean’s eyes, letting him know the stark difference of feeling this time as he emphasizes his words, “cared about the whole world **_because of you_**.” 

Castiel’s gasps, “You changed me, Dean.” 

“…why does that sound like a goodbye..?” Dean tilts his head, a drowning feeling in the pit of his stomach. 

“Because it is.” 

Dean shakes his head, connecting the dots. 

“I love you.” Castiel allows the words to slip past his lips in a whispered promise. Showing all of the love that Castiel had learned from Dean himself. 

Dean swallows, his eyes becoming doe-like and shining with budding tears. Castiel’s lips tremble, showing the anxiety Castiel had been holding back. 

Dean continues to shake his head. He refuses to believe this – to believe that Castiel is sacrificing himself for Dean once more. 

“Don’t do this, Cas.” He can’t lose him again. 

But it’s too late. 

Black sludge evolves from the wall and Dean turns around, hurt and anguish in his eyes. No. No. They can’t take Castiel away again. Dean returns his gaze to Castiel, “Cas…” 

Dean can’t lose Castiel. He doesn’t want to. 

Castiel rests his hand on Dean’s shoulder. The same hand – the same shoulder that Castiel had first laid siege on his soul and pulled him out of hell. Dean can’t lose Castiel. 

Castiel pulls Dean closer, “Goodbye, Dean,” giving him his last farewell and then pushes him away. Dean’s back hits the wall, his tears starting to fall as he fumbles to get back up. No. No, he can’t lose Castiel. 

Dean watches with dread as the Empty engulfs Billie and then whisks Castiel away with it. He’s all alone in the room now… not another living being in sight. Dean would give anything for Castiel. He had to. He can’t lose Castiel. 

Dean’s heart aches but not because of the hold Billie had on it. No, this time it aches because he was gone. Castiel was gone and all Dean wants to do was sob on the floor for the rest of eternity. Earlier he said he would give it all for Chuck. Now Dean wishes he could take it back. He wishes he could give it all for Castiel. Wishes he had conceded and let Billie take him. Just him. Not Cas. 

Dean’s breath hitches. He hangs his head in his hands, a quiver to his lips. 

Castiel called him ‘selfless’ and ‘loving’ but that couldn’t be right. Because in the moment, Dean is selfish. He wants. He wants Castiel desperately alive. 

Dean sits for hours, sniffling on the ground with his head in his hands. The world hurt and he hasn’t felt more alone. He loved the world too much and he let love take away the only person he had ever felt lost without. 

Castiel loved and Castiel gave himself and now he was gone. 


End file.
